Weekly Meander #23: The stillness at the top of the rollercoaster
New term energy (and germs!)
Hi! Thanks for joining me on this weekly meander through my week just gone as I navigate a time of personal and professional reimagining. If you’re new here, do check out this post for a bit more about me. TLDR: I'm a documentary filmmaker coming to the end of distributing my debut feature doc - about the history of nuclear power - and currently moving onto new working adventures, alongside parenting & perimenopause. Some balls may be dropped!
You'll also find recommendations of great reads I've seen on Substack in the past week. If you enjoy it, do feel free to leave a comment. And of course I'd love it if you would consider subscribing to get all my posts delivered straight to your inbox.
Hello friends,
Welcome back to my meandering weekly updates – I've missed you! How was your summer? I know we've got a few more days to go until the equinox and 'official' end of summer, but certainly here in the UK, the recent weather has been fairly dismal. There's a definite nip in the air that's already making me think of wrapping up warm and drinking steaming mugs of hot tea as the nights close in.
Yet we can still luxuriate in the sense of summer, even as it's ending...
If you missed my last post with the link to my Summer Memories Keepsake Workbook, it's a lovely way to spend a few mindful moments jotting down the spirit of your 2024 summer – a little gift to your future self to pick back up and enjoy when those blue skies and expansive evenings are just a distant memory. Here's the post again – just scroll down to the link to download the PDF.
As for me, it's my absolute pleasure to be back in your inboxes again on a regular basis after taking a break to look after the kids over the school holidays.
We made a lot of memories over those 6 weeks, from small moments like my son’s delight in putting on his new, ‘grown-up’ cricket pads for the first time and stopping to look at flowers and insects with my daughter on the walk to nursery, to the big tentpole adventure of our holiday on the Isle of Wight. The latter of which also included one of my own personal summer highlights - ice cream and IRL chat with ace Substacker and islander
.
But now here we are in September.
It's always a time ripe with a sense of possibility as a new academic year begins. But this one feels particularly significant as my youngest child has reached school age. Here she is proudly headed off to her first day with her big brother by her side.
For me this is very firmly the end of a chapter - I will never experience those baby, toddler and pre-school years again. My precious pandemic girl has always felt like a miracle to me, arriving just as my reproductive window was closing in my 40s and after a very difficult experience of pregnancy loss1 and I know I will never carry or give birth to another child.
There's a definite sadness in that – and I'm sure my interest in helping other people hold on to precious memories comes in part from my desire to do the same myself.
But I'd be lying if I said wasn't also absolutely PUMPED about reaching the start of this new chapter.
The last 18 months in particular, since my daughter started at a nursery in completely the opposite direction from my son's school, leaving me with a 90 minute round trip twice a day involving two buses and long hard walks with the buggy up our unpractically steep hill, have been a logistical slog to say the least.
But pausing to look back, I feel I've actually been in a kind of slow motion transition for the past 5 years - going right back to my debut feature film’s festival premiere while I was pregnant with my daughter back in 2019.
The years since have obviously been characterised by looking after her as she's grown from a newborn to starting in reception. But they've also been marked by a kind of nebulous fluxing and form-seeking in my professional life too.
Through the years prior to the release of my film, I had a very clear sense of direction and purpose – I was working in TV, whilst gradually moving through the steps to bring my own film to completion (the research, the filming, the editing and the final post production, with fundraising an almost constant task too).
After the film finally came out, I focused my time on ensuring as many people as possible got to see it (if you've not watched it yet, it's on Netflix if you're in Europe or you can stream it on Vimeo on Demand anywhere else.2) This process took a lot longer than it likely would have done normally, partly as I'd just had a baby and partly because the coronavirus very inconveniently came along to hamper my distribution plans (yes, that is the world's tiniest violin you can hear).
And then of course, at the same time I was trying to figure out what to do next. With the factual TV industry in free fall as it adapts to what look likely to be permanent changes3 and as a middle aged mother living outside London who was already finding it a challenge to get TV work before the pandemic, I see no future for myself there.
So as you know, I'm building a new business venture that can use the skills I've gained in my documentary career to work directly with people and their families, whilst hopefully producing and directing films independently as well.
I've done a lot of work even to get myself to the point of knowing the future I want to build – but it's not been practically possible for me to roll up my sleeves and get properly stuck in. But now both kids are going to be at school every day. Suddenly I have space and time to think, to breathe. And it’s wonderful.
I know there is so much work and activity to come. But right now I feel like I'm in a rollercoaster car poised right at the very top, after the slow, anticipatory grind up from the ground. I'm taking in the view and enjoying the pause before I begin to hurtle down headlong into this new stage of life.
Final note: When I was writing this on Friday at the end of my daughter's first full week of school I was buzzing with all this 'new page' energy. But then my buzz was rather killed by an absolute monster of a cold. Yep, all those children re-gathering after the holidays means party time for viruses and at least one of them has come to play at our house. But I'm still smiling up there on the rollercoaster, albeit through lots of coughs and sneezes. I'm looking forward to loop-the-looping my way through my new work adventures – and I’m very glad to have you along for the ride.
WORK WINS THIS WEEK
1. I GOT MY FIRST PAID SUBSCRIBER!! 🎉
Sorry for the ALL CAPS shoutiness, but this really was beyond thrilling - not just a paid subscriber but a founding member at that. After I'd got up off the floor from the shock, it was my absolute delight to choose a little gift to send through the post as a thank you (the special perk I'd chosen for this top level of subscription, never really thinking someone would sign up for it).
As I’ve talked about elsewhere, nothing is paywalled here but I'm also not currently earning anything and am reliant on my amazing, gainfully employed partner to cover the mortgage, bills, food etc. So it means the absolute world to me if anyone does feel like supporting my work. A paid subscription is £3.50 a month or £35 a year/£75 for a founder member (which as mentioned includes an actual treat I send through the post).
Or if you don't want to subscribe right now you can also just buy me a coffee:
2. Published the first post in my A-Z of Favourite Documentaries series
This was a double first as it was also my first collaboration with another writer on Substack, specifically the brilliant
from . Jonathan does regular movie challenges and his current September series features a film that was also on my favourite docs list - the incredible, experimental Koyaanisqatsi - and so we decided to combine forces to celebrate it.
I'm not actually sure if this was sent out via email or not as Jonathan was the lead author and I don't entirely understand the back end around collaborations! If you didn't receive it as an email, like my usual posts, but would like to, then just reply to this and let me know and I can send it out directly to subscribers so you'll have your own copy safe in your inbox.
It really is an extraordinary piece of work so do seek it out if you’d like a cinematic experience different from almost anything you’ll likely watch this year.
3. Attended this ‘Nuclear Futures’ online symposium
This was a day of pure creative, philosophical & political inspiration, taking in talks and presentations from some amazing artists and thinkers, working in and around the concept of a shared nuclear future and the legacy of past and current nuclear activities around the world. I hope to feature some of this work and these ideas on my Substack in coming months so watch this space for that.
4. Started building my new website
Lastly, a mere 12 months after I started paying for the tech platform to host my new life stories business, I have FINALLY started building a website [cue politely embarrassed applause]. I will unveil the finished result in one of these meandering updates once it's finished, maybe even as soon as next week if I really get my head down...
WHAT I'M LOVING ON SUBSTACK THIS WEEK
Late summer vibes from two wonderful artistic Substack souls, regular favourite
and new-to-me photographer & explorer .
A captivating combination of epic sandcastle-building and thoughts on being a capitalist wage slave from
.
Delicious reminiscences from
of heading out to teach English as a second language in Japan back in 1997. My brother did the same thing 6 years later, met his wife and lived in Tokyo for the next 20 years before finally returning to the UK last year to study for a phD. This story might very well have ended up on a similar trajectory but, well... it didn't. You'll have to read right to the end to find out why – and I thoroughly recommend that you do.
And I'm delighted to see
back on Substack after taking some time away to be with her new baby grandchild. This piece is the first of a promised series of photo walks around her local neighbourhood in Flagstaff, Arizona. I've actually been thinking of exploring photo walks as memory tools in my life stories business so this post felt like like a little nod of encouragement from the universe. Thanks Cherie!
And there, finally, I shall leave you. I know this has been a long one so if you’ve read all the way to this point, I salute you! Do jump into the comments to let me know how you’re feeling as we wave goodbye to summer - or with any other thoughts. And if you hear any distant screaming, it’s probably me heading down the other side of that old rollercoaster…
Till next week sending love to you wherever you and are thanks for being here.
Vicki x
Proudly taking part in the Sparkle on Substack 24 essays club – this is post number 20.
Watch my film on Netflix (in Europe) or Vimeo (everywhere else) - or see trailer, reviews & bonus content HERE
Life stories website – coming soon...
If you or a loved one is going through this or has experienced it in the past, please know I see you and am sending you my love, strength & comfort
Or if you work for any kind of institution with an interest in nuclear politics and history I'd love to talk to you about hosting a screening - just reply to this email 😃
This article in the Guardian over the weekend gives a flavour of just how tough things are at the moment https://www.theguardian.com/media/2024/sep/14/uk-tv-production-companies-indies-commissioning-spend
Oh that photo of your kids Vicki, your daughter looks so teeny tiny!
I find my buzz can be killed as quickly as it comes with or without a cold, it’ll be back!
Great milestone, congrats!!! Very deserved.
Brilliant reads. Thank you for sharing my post about capitalism and sandcastles!! And, I always love reading your substack suggestions - so nicety get a personal endorsement about others writing.
Here's to all your new projects. Hope the rollercoaster ride has still been fun throughout the rest of September!