Weekly Meander #16: Comparison (or, am I still a filmmaker?)
Thief of joy or joyful inspiration...
Hello! Thanks for joining me on a weekly meander through my week just gone – with a focus on my working life (a way for me to document a time of professional transition as well as a little shot of motivation and accountability to keep me pushing on!) And in case you're new here and wondering who on earth I am, do check out this post. TLDR: I'm a documentary filmmaker coming to the end of distributing my debut feature doc (all about the history of nuclear power) and currently exploring/expanding into new professional avenues, whilst also navigating parenting & perimenopause. Some balls may be dropped!
I'm still quite new to Substack and really enjoying finding my way around so you'll also find my recommendations of great reads I've seen in the past week. If you enjoy it, do feel free to leave a comment. And of course I'd love it if you would consider subscribing to get all my posts delivered straight to your inbox.
Happy Monday! Yep, it's another Monday message from me this week... I'm really enjoying the weekly rhythm of compiling these meandering updates, but I'm also finding that as soon as I have any social plans at all on a Sunday, my writing ends up getting pushed later and later into the evening and even into the wee small hours.
And honestly, I think I'm just a bit too old for staying up late to finish my essay!
So I'm granting myself permission to be more relaxed around when I hit publish – I know we all have completely stacked inboxes so I don't think it serves anyone to rush. As our Queen of Substack
always says, we have all the time we need. I'll write when I can. You'll read when you can. Sounds like a plan to me 😊So, this week. It's been a funny one, honestly.
I've been in my own head a bit about my working identity as a professional creative - and specifically where I situate myself in the landscape of people making a living from documentaries.
Of course, in a parallel universe where there were no structural and financial barriers to contend with, I'd be well on my way to producing and directing my second big feature doc by now, after I released my debut film almost 4 years ago now.
But that's not the world we're in. Right now I'm slowly trying to figure out a way of working that's compatible with:
i) the personal reality of my life as a woman in her late 40s who had kids late, so is still actively mothering two young children, as well as dealing with menopausal changes
ii) the financial reality of the massive debt I amassed making that first film - and the failure of the film's income to cover the costs of production even several years into distribution, despite selling to Netflix and broadcasters around the world, and
iii) the broader reality of an industry that's in turmoil, on both the broadcast and independent sides of the fence.
Of course, I know all these things are the reality. And I also know that what other people are achieving reflects their story and situation, not mine. I'm on my path. They're on theirs.
And yet, it's so easy to fall prey to the seductive allure of comparison.
And that's what I've found myself doing more than is good for me this week. I still have lots of friends and colleagues who are working on big, exciting TV commissions – and my LinkedIn is a roll call of shout outs for their successes.
One series in particular that's starting this week felt like it had my name all over it – and I'm a little ashamed that when I first read the announcement about it, I felt a gut punch of envy and indignation that somehow, that should have, could have, been me.
On the independent side, it's the time of year when several major documentary festivals are happening (here in the UK, principally the Sheffield DocFest, one of the top international festivals annually) where people are premiering brilliant new films and pitching for funding and partners on new projects.
I don't have anything close to ready to pitch. And it's not possible, financially or practically, for me to attend even just to watch films and network. I feel distanced from it all.
Am I even still a filmmaker?
Well, yes, I think I am. I've made films before. I will make more. And this week, I've also had a great reminder that comparison can be positive as well as negative – seeing what other people have created can be a real source of encouragement and inspiration.
Watching documentaries, in fact even just thinking and reading about them, reminds me why I love them as an art form and why I want to make them myself. And I've done a fair bit of that this week too, as I'll get into below.
Anyway, I'm trying to give myself grace with the slightly more icky feelings I've been having – I think we all get bogged down in comparison from time to time. In fact, it's something I think Substack itself quite frequently engenders. There are some extraordinary writers on this platform and people with massive audiences. It can be easy to feel discouraged by the 'how I got 10,000 subscribers in a month'-type posts.
But at the same time, it's also a place where comparison can absolutely be joyful and inspiring. I've loved following the start of the brilliant new
venture set up by to celebrate publications with fewer than a thousand subscribers. It's a perfect reminder that we're all on our own journey – and that's good.I'd love to know if you've struggled with the weight of comparisonitis too?
If you've got any tips or thoughts on how best to harness the great bits of comparison without getting hamstrung by the not so good stuff, do please share in the comments or hit reply.
WORK WINS THIS WEEK
So where did all this comparison come from anyway? Well, I guess I was especially attuned to it this week because I ended up spending a lot of time thinking about other people's docs for a brand new feature I'm planning to launch on my Substack very soon. I hadn't intended to spend quite so long on it but it was a pretty joyful rabbit hole to fall down. And I even managed to get quite a bit of other stuff done too. So join me as I pat myself on the back for the following:
1. Worked on master A-Z list for new series of posts celebrating my favourite documentaries
This was inspired by my A-Z of my favourite things post a couple of weeks ago – as well as by this A-Z of Movie Sequels, Prequels, Franchises and Cinematic Universes from
who writes brilliantly about cricket (it's the T20 World Cup right now – but you knew that already right!) and, in his words, not-cricket.I probably should have predicted that once I started drawing up a list of the documentaries I've most loved over the years I would get lost in a whirlwind journey of films remembered and half-remembered. Thinking about one film led me onto another one and another one and another one. But also there were some gaps. What documentaries had I seen that start with X, Y or Z?! Well, let me throw that one back at you - what documentaries have YOU seen that start with X, Y or Z?
My plan is to post up my full A-Z list in a week or two and then start doing separate posts for each of the films on the list in whatever order takes my fancy. There will be a lot of re-watching to be done so this will be a long term project. But also an incredibly fun one I think.
2. More Substack behind the curtain work
We started the week with a class over at
on goal setting plus the possibilities for using video on the platform. I'm about to hit my half-year anniversary since my very first post - more on that to come in a separate post. But there's still so much to learn and play with – and even now I'm still ticking off some of the basic back end stuff. One of which was writing a proper welcome email for subscribers.I've done that now – so if you know anyone you think might also enjoy reading these updates do please share this with them. Or if you're just finding me for the first time online or on the app, you are very welcome.
I've also just turned on paid subscriptions – someone's going to be the first legend to go for this option. Maybe it will be you..?
3. Followed up with screening prospects, mostly in the USA
Lastly I circled back to spend some time on distribution which I've put to one side a bit the past few weeks. It's around the end of the academic year now so I seized the moment to follow up with contacts I emailed back in April about possible screenings of 'The Atom: A Love Affair' at American universities – and happily had several encouraging replies. So hopefully something will come of at least some of those.
Plus there was correspondence about a couple of UK-based things too. So I'm feeling positive that there's still more life in my film baby (film pre-schooler now I guess?!)
WHAT I'M LOVING ON SUBSTACK THIS WEEK
Another week, another fantastic new publication I’ve discovered here on Substack.
is an expat American living in London and taking us with her on her visits to pubs around the capital whilst sharing fascinating thoughts and obvservations along the way. From as soon as I was allowed out to explore London without my parents as a young teenager my A-Z was my bible. And I was still using it as my main way of navigating right up until I moved down to Brighton in 2011. Digital wayfinding with online maps was only really something I started doing once I got here. Old habits die hard I guess. So I loved reading the story behind the map, which was not one I’d come across before. I also highly recommend her post about the threat to London’s canal culture.
A really interesting, if somewhat dispiriting, insider’s look at the malaise in mainstream TV comedy. It was only on reading this that I realised how few true belly laughs I get from most comedy I watch on TV these days. This post speculates on some reasons why that might be. I certainly recognised some of the frustration with TV commissioners’ knee-jerk dismissals (in this case, that mainstream studio sitcoms are an “old-fashioned format”) from my own experiences in docs and factual entertainment. Plus there’s a stonkingly good clip of Danny Kaye doing some contemporary dance.
This was such a gorgeous post by the wonderful
. I’m a sucker for old letters too (one of the most brilliant things is discovering a letter tucked inside a second hand book - it’s happened to me a handful of times with charity shop finds) - and especially hand written ones. This deep dive into a thank you letter written by her husband Jim to his steam-train loving grandparents as an 11 year old boy back in 1980 is a sheer delight.
From trains to caravans, specifically one called Colin. I’m really enjoying these updates from
from her Orkney outpost on the island of Hoy and am totally here for news about her latest adventure - buying a static caravan. My grandparents had a static caravan in Devon and we had our annual summer holiday there for years. I wonder if I ever wrote them a thank you letter like Jim did to his. I hope so.And that’s all from me for now. I hope you enjoy my picks and I’d love to hear your thoughts on dealing with comparison, great documentaries starting with X - or indeed anything else.
Have a great week whatever you’re doing.
Proudly taking part in the Sparkle on Substack 24 essays club with Claire Venus – this is post number 10 😊
Watch my film on Netflix (in Europe) or Vimeo (everywhere else) - or see trailer, reviews & bonus content HERE
Find me on X /Twitter & at LinkedIn
Life stories website – coming soon...
"we all get bogged down in comparison from time to time." - oh Yes! Mine this week has been comparing myself to friends who own houses. We've always rented, and usually it's fine, but we had some friends over this week and I was comparing my home to theirs and really got down on myself. So I hear you! Also, I think once a filmmaker, always a filmmaker! Hopefully you are feeling better, Vicki!
A great post, Vicki - so thought-provoking. And thank you for the mention and the link - you're very kind! 😘
I'm so fascinated by your work! I totally hear you with your thoughts on comparison. I often find myself needing to remind myself of such phrases as 'comparison is the thief of joy', or what my dad always tells me to do, which is to 'plough my own furrow', but reading your post has made me notice that there are positives to comparison, too. So thank you so much for that!
A caravan called Colin? HURRAH!!! Our campervan is called Shackleton. 😁