Weekly Meander #29: It's time to be brutally honest with myself
Getting real about the juggle of filmmaking, writing & starting an online business...
Hi! Thanks for joining me on this weekly meander through my week just gone as I navigate a time of personal and professional reimagining. If you’re new here, do check out this post for a bit more about me. TLDR: I'm a documentary filmmaker coming to the end of distributing my debut feature doc - about the history of nuclear power - and currently exploring/expanding into the next steps of my working adventures, whilst also navigating parenting (including a newly received autism diagnosis) & perimenopause. Some balls may be dropped! If you enjoy my writing, do feel free to leave a comment. And of course I'd love it if you'd consider subscribing to get all my posts delivered straight to your inbox or the Substack app.
Hello friends,
OK, confession time. I started writing this last week but something was feeling stuck and I just wasn't clear about what I was trying to articulate. But then within the space of about 24 hours, a few spontaneous happenings - and choices I made off the back of them - threw a lot of things up in the air for me. And I realised I needed to pay attention to my gut feelings.
So this post, quite a lot later than originally planned, is my humble attempt to get down into words the process of looking in the mirror and facing up to some tough questions, that I’ve been engaged in since last I popped into your inboxes.
I hope you'll bear with me as I really am trying to figure all this stuff out in real time! And if you've newly signed up off the back of my first 'The Atom & Us' post with Min-Kyoo Kim, please be assured that plenty more atomic goodness is heading your way very soon.
So, where to start? Well, I think the catalysing moment was one lunchtime last week when I picked up my phone as I was about to make lunch and saw that our Substack education queen
was just about to go live with one of her Diamond members (her highest level of Substack support), , talking to her about her journey to becoming a Substack bestseller.I clicked through to the live and while I was munching on my cheese on toast, I thoroughly enjoyed their nourishing and encouraging conversation about how to use this platform in a way that works for you and your audience.
And then Claire mentioned she was opening up registration for just a couple of days into her Diamond membership and I found myself thinking – yes, I should do it!
Then, as night follows day, that little voice in my head piped up - but you haven't got the money! You only earned £540 last month and this month you've earned, what is it again, £64?
Yes, yes, yes, I said back (and I know, those numbers are not good – another reminder to get on with that post I promised to write getting naked about the financial realities of making & distributing an independent film – even one that's sold to Netflix).
But... what about all that money you're spending every month on the tech package for this life stories business you keep banging on about but HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT!
Ay, there's the rub.
Because it's true. I've been earning very little but still paying almost £100 every month on an all-in-one package that would allow me to have a website and booking calendar, run online courses, host a membership, schedule all my social media and all the other stuff for this online business I've said to myself that I want to launch.
But here we are at the end of 2024 and I've simply not done it.
Instead, I've been writing and reading on Substack, watching and thinking about documentaries, and reading and talking to fascinating people about all kinds of nuclear-related topics, with some of those gently forming into the embryonic beginnings of new films.
I've tried to get going with the website for the business several times and just kept hitting a road block – not technically so much as existentially in that I just didn't know how to pitch it. I was still trying to keep centring myself as a filmmaker (and perhaps now I might even start to say writer?) first and foremost – yet at the same time, create a business-focused website to sell services I hadn't yet created.
I've spent months being a 'good student', taking all the courses and learning all the tips and tricks of how to make an online business succeed. But I've always felt a bit, I don't know, detached from it all. Whereas the thought of spending a year with Claire in her community really committing and working on this space I'm building on Substack felt genuinely exciting and inviting.
It made me think of that old adage about how you know if you really do want to do something: if it's not a 'hell, yeah!', then really, it's a no.
And if I'm completely honest with myself, I just don't think my heart is really in being an online entrepreneur. Which isn't to say I've gone off the idea of working with people to help record their life stories. I just don't think I can do it the way all the online business coaches seem to be teaching, with this constant push for social media posting and visibility.
It feels exhausting rather than exciting. And I don't think good work can really come from that kind of energy.
I do think I can find another more personal way to do some of this life story work - rooted in real relationships, in the real world. So I'm not abandoning it. I'm just going to focus my immediate efforts on the things that do feel energising and exciting to me right now.
Because of course, that's the other truth I had to confront…
I'm 47. I'm quite possibly half way through my good working years already.
And in every day, every week, every month, there are so many things calling on my time and my attention – taking care of my children, spending time with the people I love, being active in my local community, trying to be a good citizen in the world at large, not to mention taking care of my own physical and mental health and enriching my heart and mind through art and culture (and those hours spent listening to cricket commentary and watching bike races all add up too!) I want the hours I spend working to really count.
So I did it. I jumped into the Diamond membership. And I'm cancelling the online business subscription.
I'm trying not to focus on all the money I've basically poured down the drain at this point (I signed up over a year ago thinking that the cash going out every month would concentrate my mind and serve as an accountability spur to get going with the online business – but obviously, it didn't!)
Instead I'm seeing it as clearing a space for me to pour more time and energy into my filmmaking and into the work I'm doing here in this newsletter.
I want to find out more about you, my amazing readers, to get to know better just what you want from this space and how I can make the most of the Substack features to give it to you.
So I will probably start brewing up some kind of survey, which will really help me focus in on what you guys most want to see. In the meantime, you can always reply to this or leave a comment – I'd love to know what you enjoy about my writing and what you'd like to see more of.
WORK WINS THIS WEEK
I've had to strike through a bunch of things I had sitting in the draft for this section since they're now well beyond the past week and receding at pace into the rear view mirror…whoops! But I will just briefly mention a couple of rollovers I think are still worth flagging up:
1. I signed up on Bluesky
Yes, like millions of other frustrated former tweeters, I finally decided to make the move over to the ‘hot new platform in town’ - and I have to say, it really does look and feel a lot like Twitter used to back in the day, when I was making all kinds of interesting online friends over there whilst making my feature doc.
I've only just dipped my toes in posting-wise so far, but I'm definitely liking the vibes and am planning to try and get back into regularly posting up shorter thoughts and links to interesting things there much like I used to enjoy doing on Twitter (a good complement to Subtack Notes hopefully). So if you're signed up, do come say hi over there - you can find me at @vickilesley.bsky.social
2. Substack marketing & editorial strategy support
I also wanted to do a quick shout out to two other fabulous ladies whose guidance and expertise I've appreciated over this and previous weeks. Firstly to marketing maven and all round good egg
, with whom I was privileged to enjoy a one-to-one ‘Geek Out’ as part of her brilliant community (I was the only one who could make it so I got Kate all to myself, lucky ole me).And secondly to editorial strategist extraordinaire
from , in particular for her impromptu live on being a Substack prepper in the (hopefully extremely unlikely) event that the platform might at some point fail or even end up in a doom spiral a la Twitter/X.This was packed full of useful stuff to consider – but also a valuable and validating reminder that even those we look up to get hit by technical snafus sometimes (Amanda dealt with hers in a typically lovely and graceful way with an impromptu guest hopping on the live too – you can rewatch it here if you're interested):
And the other hangover from my older draft I should probably mention is a webinar on 'Atomic Anxieties & Nuclear Imaginaries' I attended, at which the aforementioned Min-Kyoo Kim was presenting. This was fascinating in its own right, but also notable for being attended by another academic contact, whom I'd first met at the 'Art in the Nuclear Age' book group a couple of weeks ago, whom I then went on to speak to this week, which leads me neatly onto my wins for this week...
1. Zoom call with University of Strathclyde feminist political scientist, working on the global context of female atomic weapons activism
This was a brilliant and potentially very fruitful conversation that came about after a chance remark at the book group meeting that revealed we were both looking into some international activism undertaken by a handful of Greenham Common women in the early 1990s, me for a short documentary film and she as part of an ongoing research/ archival project at Glasgow Women's Library.
It's a really compelling story I started early development on last year but had rather let slide amidst other things (my failed entrepreneurial efforts for one). But this serendipitous connection - and the energising meeting that came out of it - has reinvigorated me to return to it with more seriousness next year. So you can definitely expect to hear more about this one.
2. Attended a webinar on the UK government's new Enhanced Audio-Visual Expenditure Credit for independent films
This is replacing the previous UK film tax credit which I took advantage of for my feature doc, ‘The Atom: A Love Affair’. Happily the new version is at a significantly higher rate than the previous iteration – and this webinar was handily timed as my brain cogs were already whirring about the Greenham Common idea just mentioned.
3. Prep for ‘Threads’ online discussion event to take place in early 2025
As mentioned in my last meandering update, the event I was planning to organise myself with Min to discuss nuclear war film ‘Threads’ in more detail is now going to be organised jointly with DePaul University in Chicago and so as well as I've liaising with the professor there, I've also started thinking about and pulling together some of the themes we'll be covering along with illustrative clips. There will be a formal announcement of the event in the New Year – I'm excited for this one!
A QUICK PLANNING PLUG
Lastly before I go, I just wanted to mention this for anyone who's already started thinking about 2025 (only one month away now – slightly terrifying that!)
If like me, you like to think about and plan out your goals for the coming year, you might have come across the goal-setting workbooks from Australian entrepreneur Leonie Dawson. They're a mad whirl of colour and Aussie hippie vibes, but underpinned by proven productivity techniques of writing down your goals and regularly checking in with them to actually get the stuff done – in life and in work – that you really want to.
She's just launched her brand new workbooks for 2025 and I can highly recommend them, having been using them myself since back in 2017 when I was first introduced to the colourful delights of Leonie world. And full disclosure, I have an affiliate link so if you order a digital copy (which is what I do) then I'll get 50% of the cost as commission. Everyone's a winner as they say 😄
And while we're here, I also have an affiliate link to Leonie's business academy with a ton of courses, guest workshops, resources etc available for just $497 a year (around £400). There' s a huge amount of value in there and though I've decided to focus my own efforts less directly on the online business side of things in 2025, I can still highly recommend it if it's something you want to learn about. She really knows her stuff and comes at it all with a very distinctive & fun energy that’s truly infectious.
So why not give it a look if it sounds up your street - and if you do go for it, you can get that warm fuzzy feeling knowing I'll be getting a share of your hard-earned moolah too 😄
Well, that’s it from me this week. It’s been another long one but I hope it’s interesting and in some way useful to get an inside peak into my mind as I’m navigating these decisions - I’m certainly very appreciative of the discipline of trying to articulate it all for you!
Next post will be the second instalment of my ‘Atom & Us’ interview series, from someone who’s spent their whole career on the inside of the British nuclear energy story but is modest and kind enough to share some of his expert insights with me, to share with you all.
For those who are marking it, Happy Advent Sunday - and indeed, just a very happy Sunday all round.
Till the next time,
Vicki x
Watch my film on Netflix (UK & Europe only) or Vimeo-on-demand - or see trailer, reviews & bonus content HERE
Find me on Bluesky & at LinkedIn
Thank you for being here, please ❤️ (below) or Re-stack if you enjoyed this piece, it really does helps others find it.
Sooo thrilled to hear you've realigned your next year to what feels best to you, now. I so relate to much of what you've shared. I had a big shake-up last year, merging two substacks into one and adjusting how I work with students and clients. It's a constant dance. I'm honored that my chat with Claire inspired you to take the plunge. SO much luck with the next steps!
Sometimes we try to force ourselves into productivity, but that leads to burnout. I think your year of following what inspired or excited you was all great work in understanding where you want to devote your energy. Excited to see what you learn!